"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
