last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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