She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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