This is not my ceiling
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
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