Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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