My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
