I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
