omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
