this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
