my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
