Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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