Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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