even my farts smell like vagina
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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