The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
