Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
as a side note pls kill me
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
