Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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