I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I stole a fireplace last night.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
