Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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