my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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