I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
