dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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