It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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