this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
