I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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