3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
