Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
