So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
