I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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