My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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