I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
