it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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