one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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