dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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