sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
