They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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