literally had 100 drinks last night.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
