My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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