Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
