They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
