It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
