He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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