Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
