Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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