So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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