Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
