A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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