It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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