Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
found the other keg... it's in the tree
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
