i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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