I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Randomize
