I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
